A Poem, I wish I turned Blue

“{please be aware that the following poem deals with some distressing themes such as suicidal thoughts}”

I wish I turned blue

by Kate Fielder

I wish I turned blue
On the days that it starts
Before I’ve opened my eyes
When she screams at me
I’m worthless and I should die
I wish I turned blue

I wish I turned blue
On the days I look in the
Mirror and hate everything I see
When my husband pulls me close
And I think he must loathe me
I wish I turned blue

I wish I turned blue
Because I’m such an excellent liar now
I’m fine, great even! How are you?
I should win an Oscar
I forced out a smile and know that will do
But
I wish I turned blue

I wish I turned blue
So you could see when I’m
Hurting
So you’d know when I’m struggling
I wish I turned blue
so you would stop looking at me like that
Asking yourself, is this the day?
Are the voices too loud?
Do I lock up the knives?
Do I hide the pills?
Is she lying again?
Or does she just need a hug?
Or is she fine, like she just said?
I don’t understand her!
I don’t understand it!
What is the illness in her brain.
I’ve told her to snap out of it again and again.
I wish I turned blue…